I had the "I'm fat" mentality since grade 1. I remember the specific time I felt fat. It was the first day of the first grade. I wore green tights to school. I remember walking to school and feeling too fat to wear what I was wearing. I ran home and changed. So I was seven and already thinking I was fat.
I don't blame my mom. She is a great mom and I love her dearly. She, however, thought she was fat too. I don't remember her specifically saying anything (until later in life when she did actually become overweight) but I got the message loud and clear. I remember her exercising everyday, which really isn't a bad thing, seeing your parents do physical activity should be a positive image. Somehow I knew, this was more than being active, it was some type of obsession.
My mom met my step-dad and a few years later gained a bit of weight. This started the never ending dieting cycle. She quit smoking when I was around 10 years old and she gained a lot of weight. My mom now actually does have a weight problem. My whole family is big. So can I fight genetics?
Back to my story. I always thought I was huge. Even when I wasn't. When I was around 12 years old, I began to gain weight as well. Around the time my mother did. I was overweight for my entire junior high and high school career. I wasn't the fun, outgoing fat girl either. I was the shy, hide in the corner gal. I never had a boyfriend but I did have a few good friends. I never went out much, I never went to parties, I never did many of the things teenagers did. I was too embarrassed and shy.
In my senior year of high school, I went to the gym by my house. They were promoting a weight loss plan where you would follow their diet plan but you would also have either a protein water or protein bar to eat between meals.
By the end of senior year, I had lost 30lbs. It actually worked. Whether it was because I was super motivated not to go to university as the fat girl or the bars/juice actually made me full. But for the first time, eating and my hunger level wasn't a the forefront of my mind. I was still technically overweight at 140lbs because I am 5'0" but I felt amazing. I went to university feeling confident.
In university, I made a ton of friends and went out and partied....too much. I was making up for lost time, I suppose. I had a great university experience overall. I had one boyfriend for a few months but honestly, I was just having fun. I met a guy who I definitely fell in love with but it was unrequited. Sure, we hooked up and were together a lot but when it came to being a couple or spending more time together or going on dates, he wasn't available.
That hurt my confidence and I had a few rough months. I still felt better about myself so that helped. I never even gained the freshman 15 so I was doing well in the weight department.
Slowly, my self conscious brain kicked in again and I was starting to think I was fat again. I was maintaining easily so it wasn't overly detrimental.
In my last year of university, I met my now husband. He made me feel beautiful and sexy and wanted. We fell in love. As if on que, my fat mentality came back with a vengeance. It was like I was sabotaging myself for being happy. I did gain a bit of weight. I remember the first diet I tried was Atkins. I felt like shit but I lost 15lbs that I had gained in 2 weeks.
This one diet began a downward spiral of fad diets and desperate clawing at something that would work for me. Weight Watchers, Cabbage Soup Diet, Atkins, calorie counting you name it, I did it. I always fell off the wagon, though, because I felt hungry always.
I don't know why it took me so long to come to the conclusion what "caused" my weight gain and what "caused" me to stall last year.
I use caused in quotes because, of course, I caused my own weight gain by eating too much and not moving enough.
However, when my husband's mom died, I started gaining weight. It's coincided with my 25th birthday, which is what I originally attributed my weight gain too. No, I wasn't eat any more than usual, I was just getting older and my metabolism wasn't helping me anymore. Sure....
I also worked night shift, which didn't help either. I think, though, it was a combination. I was eating more out of grief and stress because of what husband was going through. He went through quite an angry period. As I would insensitively say, "you get upset by the stupidest things" or something else to make sure he knew it was NOT acceptable.
I know he was just angry and taking his frustrations out on, let's say, the take out place getting his order wrong. He was never mean to people but would just get in a bad mood. Never once did I doubt his love for me or mine for him. I knew he wasn't himself and he was going through things (entire family dead within 4 years).
Soon after, I was gaining extremely quickly. I didn't think I was eating any extra. I must have been in denial, though, because in under two years, I gained 60lbs. I gained another 30 the next year or so. I've come to this realization in the last few weeks that I was eating a lot more than I used to. I've always had a big appetite, I'll never eat like a bird but I used to eat smaller portions. I guess it happened so gradually that I never noticed? Or was extremely deep in denial. I'm sure that is more likely.
Steve has come through the darkness though. He has come to the other side, he dealt with his grief and has been back to the person I know him to be for quite a few years now. Now, I need to get back to the person I know I am.
I was going at a good pace back in 2009. I lost 30lbs in 6 months and was eating healthy, moving more, and looking better....then bam...my mom had her anxiety attack.
I remember the feeling I had when she first started having it. She actually held her chest, she felt she was having a heart attack. She told me to call 911. I did. I said, "mom you're going to be ok" and she said, "no, I don't think so" and that will forever be with me. The utter fear she had that she was actually dying.
The reason we never thought for a minute that it was an anxiety attack is because we were hanging out, laughing and talking. It wasn't overly stressful...I know now that an anxiety attack can seemingly come out of no where.
The whole ordeal scared the living shit out of me. As it would anyone, but I had irrational fears as a child that my mother would die on me. She was in a car accident when I was 8 and never came home when she was supposed to. For years, if she was a little bit late, I would have a minor panic attack of my own.
Until just recently, I would be worried if I called and she wasn't home. I don't know what put a stop to it. Perhaps seeing my mother struggle through her anxiety over everything but I knew I didn't want to be constantly worrying every minute of my life. I am trying to get it through my head that I cannot stop anything from happening so just enjoy life.
My husband's mother passed away in 2004 and that really added to my weight gain. I looked after her a lot and it was very stressful, not for looking after her but knowing that she would eventually die and my husband would have no family left (he also lost a father and a sibling a few years prior)
However, when my husband's mom died, I started gaining weight. It's coincided with my 25th birthday, which is what I originally attributed my weight gain too. No, I wasn't eat any more than usual, I was just getting older and my metabolism wasn't helping me anymore. Sure....
I also worked night shift, which didn't help either. I think, though, it was a combination. I was eating more out of grief and stress because of what husband was going through. He went through quite an angry period. As I would insensitively say, "you get upset by the stupidest things" or something else to make sure he knew it was NOT acceptable.
I know he was just angry and taking his frustrations out on, let's say, the take out place getting his order wrong. He was never mean to people but would just get in a bad mood. Never once did I doubt his love for me or mine for him. I knew he wasn't himself and he was going through things (entire family dead within 4 years).
Soon after, I was gaining extremely quickly. I didn't think I was eating any extra. I must have been in denial, though, because in under two years, I gained 60lbs. I gained another 30 the next year or so. I've come to this realization in the last few weeks that I was eating a lot more than I used to. I've always had a big appetite, I'll never eat like a bird but I used to eat smaller portions. I guess it happened so gradually that I never noticed? Or was extremely deep in denial. I'm sure that is more likely.
Steve has come through the darkness though. He has come to the other side, he dealt with his grief and has been back to the person I know him to be for quite a few years now. Now, I need to get back to the person I know I am.
I was going at a good pace back in 2009. I lost 30lbs in 6 months and was eating healthy, moving more, and looking better....then bam...my mom had her anxiety attack.
I remember the feeling I had when she first started having it. She actually held her chest, she felt she was having a heart attack. She told me to call 911. I did. I said, "mom you're going to be ok" and she said, "no, I don't think so" and that will forever be with me. The utter fear she had that she was actually dying.
The reason we never thought for a minute that it was an anxiety attack is because we were hanging out, laughing and talking. It wasn't overly stressful...I know now that an anxiety attack can seemingly come out of no where.
The whole ordeal scared the living shit out of me. As it would anyone, but I had irrational fears as a child that my mother would die on me. She was in a car accident when I was 8 and never came home when she was supposed to. For years, if she was a little bit late, I would have a minor panic attack of my own.
Until just recently, I would be worried if I called and she wasn't home. I don't know what put a stop to it. Perhaps seeing my mother struggle through her anxiety over everything but I knew I didn't want to be constantly worrying every minute of my life. I am trying to get it through my head that I cannot stop anything from happening so just enjoy life.
I tried many diets (and failed many diets) in the year leading up to my wedding day. I was fat on my wedding day. The fattest I've ever been. I was happy I was marrying my husband but so sad and frustrated that I was obese on my wedding day. I felt pretty but not beautiful and certainly not thin. That depressed me.
However, even with seeing the wedding pictures and not being satisfied with my body, I never lost weight until January 2009. For some reason, something clicked in me and I just wanted to do it. I knew I could do it.
I began the South Beach Diet just before January and lost 15lbs in the first two weeks. I switched to phase 2 and like clockwork, fell off the wagon. Carbs get to me! When I have some, I want more! Even whole grains. Anyway, I was still doing well. I switched to calorie counting and lost another 15lbs this way. I walk my dog every morning but other exercise was sporadic. In June, I hit a plateau...and I've been there ever since. I was so gung ho that first 6 months. I was being more active and eating wonderful foods and only have treats occasionally. I never ate fast food for over 6 months. It was just working. That 6 month mark hit and I maintained but lost my mojo.
We were having financial issues. Not trouble but we were unable to spend as we were. We were more or less living from paycheck to paycheck and it really made me stressed. I started back to the way I was eating before I lost weight.
I've been lucky, I've gained 10lbs back out of the 30lbs I lost. It could have been a lot worse. I can see it getting a lot worse. My eating is getting out of control. I need to take back this control.
I've decided to start this blog because I need a place to be honest. I have another blog on another site and they have seen me have my ups and downs on the weight loss scale, physically and emotionally. I just feel like I'm a broken record, though, and don't want to continue writing there about this cycle that I can't seem to break.
I want a place I can be real and write down my meals and complain about how hard things are and a place where I can boast of my accomplishments and rant about my failures.
This blog, in essence, will be my therapy. I am going to be brutally honest. I am going to post my food, no matter if I am on plan or so far off plan I can't seemingly find my way back.
I am hoping this is the time I will be successful and lose the last of my weight. I have about 60lbs to go to get to a place I will be happy. I've lost 1/3 of it already so I know I can do it. I just need to take this one day at a time. If I think too far ahead and have a timeline of when I need to be thin, it's too much pressure to me.
I wish I could do the South Beach Diet. I've tried it numerous times. Most of the time it has worked. But the last few times I've done phase one, I've been bloated, constipated and never lost any weight. I have no idea what is up with my body. Plus, I cannot stick to that diet....well what diet can I stick to is the question?
I've tried Atkins and South Beach, Weight Watchers, Cabbage Soup, Calorie counting etc.
Atkins I've tried once and while it worked, it made me feel sick since I am not much for meat proteins. Of course, it was probably all in my head, because as soon as I have to restrict something, I want it all the more. South Beach is similar, I miss my carbs and even though I can add them back in after two weeks, I still feel like I am restricting (again mind stuff)
With WW, I feel like I am starving. Maybe I don't know which foods to pick but I always end up eating around 1200 calories and meeting my points, which is weird because I am bigger and get more points. How do smaller people subsist on so little points? I know they do and again, this might be just my mind overreacting.
Calorie counting worked for me for awhile. And I know I can probably go back to that. Sometimes, though, I get a bit obsessed with my food and what and when I am eating. I find I am always thinking about food.
I need to just cut back on portions, eat less, move more and try to listen to my stomach to tell me when it is full. Right now, my stomach ques are muffled. I know it is going to take some work and I am going to be hungry.
I have to know that it's OK to be hungry. I will always have another meal. I know where my next meal is coming from. I am not going to starve. But I need to get my stomach back to a normal size where a normal portion will satisfy me.
No more fast food. That stuff is evil. More veggies, more water, less diet pop, more exercise, and a cheat day here and there.
I am excited to be real here. To write my feelings down as they come. This is my therapy.
I am interested in hearing from other people in the same situation or someone who has overcome a weight issue that has plagued them their entire lives.
Good luck to everyone in the same boat!
Start Weight (Jan09)-230
Lowest Weight- 194
Current Weight-206
Goal Weight- 140
Dream Goal Weight- 125
